4/24/12 - The EMOTIONS of IVF

Wow - yesterday was really rough.  I WAS EMOTIONAL. 

I'd like to think it had a lot to do with all the medication I'm on but I think it also has a lot to do with the stress and natural emotions that come with having to do injections every night, having your alarm go off all day to remind you to take different pills or injections, MANY Dr. appointments and phone calls with updates, AND the financial burden.

At my blood draw appointment in the morning I just had a bad attitude.  I didn’t want to be there.  I’m sick of Dr. appointments and I’m sick of needles.  I’ve been poked every day since March 7^th.  It’s a lot.  It sucks.

I felt sick to my stomach and bloated most of the day.  This is a side effect of the Progesterone in Oil (PIO).  My hips HURT from the injections.  These PIO shots are NO FUN.

For the first time I actually thought about the possibility of NOT doing another cycle of IVF if this doesn’t work.  It’s just too much.  I’m worn out and emotionally drained.

It didn’t help that yesterday I found out that my ’07 Nissan Altima needs new brakes, new air compressor and other fun things like belts and stuff… $2,000!  We just paid $2,000 in taxes last week and I will be paying $1,000 to cobra this week (which makes a grand total of $10,000 so far for this IVF cycle).

I called my sister on my way home from work, put her on speaker phone, and just cried it out.  I couldn’t help it.  I was just bawling.  Sort of throwing a fit.  Saying “I’m sick of it!  I’m sick of SHOTS!  I’m sick of Dr. appointments!  I’m sick of PAYING so much for something that might not work!  I’m sick of taking time off work for appointments!  I’m sick of waiting for a call from the Dr.!  I’m sick of ALARMS going off all day!  I’m sick of bruises from shots!”  There was really no point in me throwing this fit.  It just felt good to let it out. 

She has 3 beautiful kids that I love to spoil.  I miss them a lot (they moved to Connecticut a few years ago).  She put her son on the phone (he’s 4 years old).  He said “What’s UP!?”  I told him that I was just telling his mom how much I want a baby.  He said “Oh Kimmy, I pray for you every day to have a baby!  What do you want to name your baby?”  Then we discussed baby names.  He suggested ZOOM as a baby name.  It was nice to talk to him.  My sister tells me all the time that EVERY prayer he HAS to pray that Aunt Kimmy will have a baby soon.  Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Bed Time.  If someone forgets, he makes them re-do the prayer.  He’s such a sweetheart.

I just kept busy at home with chores until Corey got home, then I broke down again.  It was bad.

I don’t mean to be negative or scare anyone reading my blog that’s considering IVF.  I’ve just decided that this is a very real part of the process and I should share this so you don’t think you’re crazy if you have the same experience.

I do feel that I am MOSTLY happy and positive throughout this process.  It’s just been a rough few days.